Playground

The sun is so near I can feel each ray warm every particle on my face as i lean back on the swing with my eyes closed. I rotate my neck slowly in a circle as I stretch it, breathing and exhaling along the way. I guess you can say that I’m meditating. I feel grounded with my body, my core and  am aware of what surrounds me.  The playground is mostly empty only a mother and her little girl.  The little girls giggles warms my heart and gives me a little bit of baby fever all at the same time. And though the sun is splendid and warm, there is a slight cool wind slicing through the trees that surround me.  I love that sound. I wiggle my bare toes so the wind can tickle them when it blows. I had kicked off my flats as soon as I had started getting into the rhythm of the swing. My mind is so quiet, something that I’m not used to. The amount of concentration I am able to obtain amazes me. I’m content with myself for the first time in a long time and this is the first time I have  acknowledge that. It feels damn good to be happy.

After a while I decide to go home, its been a long day and I had only stumbled across the park when I decided to try a new shortcut home. As I walk down the sidewalk nearing my house, I grow more and more hesitant to approach it; there is a man sitting on the steps I’m not sure I recognize.   As he becomes more clear to me my heart drops.  He sees me now too and waves to greet me.  I stand there stunned to see him, how he got my address, is beyond me.  His smile fades as he sees me keeping my distance.  I can smell the alcohol on him even from where I stand.

I part my dry lips “Why are you here?”

“Hey!” He screams much louder than needed.  “How’s my girl doing?  Looking good!…mmm, mm, mm!”

“Yeah what do you know, not having bruises on me from head to toe really makes a difference,” I chuckle in a sarcastic  way”Why are you here?”

“Your mom sent me,” He sucks his dingy teeth, gross.

“Of course she did,” I mutter, poor mom.

“I’m tired of this cat and mouse chase , come home.”

Rolling my eyes I make my way up the stairs to my apartment, he’s still in the way.  I bend over to look him right in the eye. “Not. Happening. Oh and fyi I have a restraining order against you, it takes one phone call and bam you can spend the night behind bars.”

He gives me a mischievous grin he had always been proud of my sass, which made me hate it.  But when I needed to get something done its the only way I knew how to get my way.  Bribing, threatening, surviving, that was my childhood, amongst other things, none of which were good.

“What should I tell your mother,” he stands up towering me.   The little girl inside wants to shrivel up, even if hes just a old man now, but i dont.

“I would tell her to run while she still can.  I would tell her to live with me, but hey thats just what I would say.”

“You always did crack me up, but you sure as hell know that woman anit going no where.  It ain’t no never mind to me anyways, less mouths to feed.  I’ll tell your mother I gave it a shot, at least now she’ll shut up about you.  See you around Marsha”

I watch him fade with the sunset down the street, ” Goodbye Dad,” I whisper.

I’m free.

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[abuse is real and is a issue not talked about nearly enough. It’s important to know that there are people out there who have been in the same crisis as you and have made it out, alive. THERE IS A WAY OUT and there is always support that you can find. TAKE THE FIRST STEP]

Painfully Love

“You look nice,” he whispers in my ear as we part from our long awaited hug.
I look into his eyes, “thank you,” I smile. This is going to go well, I can feel it.

We stand across from each other in silence, both grinning, but the silence isn’t weird at all it’s comforting, refreshing.

“How’s school?” He asks, after a while.

I nod at him “ a lot better,” and it was true. After we took a break from each other I found myself putting all of my energy on things important for me, things I had to do, focus on me. Doesn’t mean I didn’t miss him, I did, a lot. I’m dying to know what he’s been doing all this time without me.

“Hows your health, how’s life treating you? Whats up?” I spit out at once with way too much enthusiasm. I laugh and so does he.

“Really well actually,” he replies, “I met someone.”

My smile fades but I don’t respond right away. I let the words settle in because I’m not sure I understand what he means. His face get a tad bit pink as I stare at him in confusion. Nope he’s gonna have to explain that, this don’t add up.

“What?” I ask.

“I met someone,” he repeats himself and fidgets around as if to shake off the awkwardness of my stare. “ I think you know her,” he continues.

I can feel my body heating up and my pulse on the verge of exploding. Breath girl. “Well who is she, what do you mean you think I know her. How?” I keep my voice low, trying to keep cool even though my legs shake.

“Well she is on your friends list on facebook, Mia”
I literally laugh out loud. “Well what the hell Tom, did you go through my facebook friends to search for a new girlfriend as soon as we split?”

He clicks his tongue “ Of course not, it just happened.” He looks at me with big eyes “you’re the one that left. You blocked me out of your life, you did that.”

“Yes, I blocked you out because I had a lot of baggage I needed to handle. You know how crazy my life is! I needed to get stable to figure shit out. All I asked for was a break, we didn’t actually break up Tom! We were on a break! How can you stand here and act like this is the most normal thing ever? We talked about marriage, it was serious I– ”

“I don’t know what you want me to say…” he cuts me off. “Sky, we can’t help who we fall in love with. It just happened. I’m sorry”

“Love?” My eyes water but I refuse to let even one teardrop fall in front of him. “You love her?” I ask.

“Yes.”

The tone of his voice kills me the most. The words just rolled off his tongue like pearls. This was so easy for him, was he enjoying it? Is he getting off on my pain. He must know I’m hurting. We had been a couple for three years and within a 3 month break he had managed to find a girl and fall in love with her. Just three months ago I was the girl he said he loved. He must have talked to her when we were together, how else is he in love with her.

I take a few steps back, putting my hand over my heart. I gulp, my throat throbbing, “Did you cheat on me?” I whisper. My glare turns to the floor, I can’t look at him.

“No, no. It wasn’t like that at all.” He steps closer.  “Look I still want to be friends. I care. Sky, I really don’t want this to be it.”

“You care…hmm.” I bite my lips. Dont cry, dont cry, dont cry. I pinch myself and force my eyes to meet his.  My eyes water and my vision is blurred. “Just to let you know I loved you alot, and this… hurt. Congratulations on being the one who could hurt me the most. You won.” With that I turn around and walk away and with each step my tears flow like a waterfall.

Goodbye Tom.

Nice To Meet You

“You know, I’m really sorry I cant sit and talk but I really must get back to work”  Becky explains getting up from her chair while awkwardly trying to cover her pj’s with her robe. Her mother in law, Margret,  looks up trying to hide how unimpressed she is.  It was their first time meeting and she had […]